So, this is what it feels like to be one of the most dominant teams in the NFL. You’re never mentioned as one of those teams that’s 3-0 but possibly a fraud. You build a little nest there at the top of everyone’s Power Rankings. You dispatch of a vastly inferior team at home, just as you should. To top it off, you’re a favorite on the road against one of the better teams in the other conference. Not even torrential downpours during your home games can get you down. Instead of running for cover, you splash in the puddles and don’t give a damn that you’re getting wet. Yes indeed, it is a lot of fun being on top.
Now, the Flying Birds of Renton get on their Delta charter and head for Houston. Without question, this is one of our toughest road games on the schedule this year. Early game, good opposing offense — the opposing defense is No. 2 in scoring (I’ll let you guess who’s No. 1). To get this through this, the Hawks are going to have to be crafty. One might even say they’re going to have to know how to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.
“Oh! Right in the testicles! Ouchtown, population you, bro!”: Something tells me Gus Bradley and his band of Jaguars would have preferred a large rubber ball in the testicles to the beat down they suffered at the hands of the Seahawks last Sunday. At least that pain would have only lasted a few minutes.
“Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand, broken dreams and $5 lobster. A city where you can get a happy ending, if you pay a little extra.”: Houston. A city built on a hot swamp, shady energy derivatives, and humidity you can cut with a butter knife. But at least you can get barbecue. Granted, it’s not as good as you get in the Austin-San Marcos-Lockhart triangle of Texas, but at least it’s not that garbage they feed you in Dallas. It’s also a city that those of us in Seattle can look to for hope. They had their NFL team snatched away by a no good, inbred, loud-mouthed, sonofabi— in Bud Adams and ultimately did get a team back because that’s a major league city. Seattle is a major league city as well and when that Napoleon Complex-having David Stern finally retires maybe the NBA will realize that again.
“Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!”: Well, at least on Fox, which has definitely at times has had the ratings of a cable network. The Seahawks will see their old friends Chris Myers and Tim Ryan in the booth on Sunday. For what little it’s worth, they’re 1-0 this year when those two have called the game.
“And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!”: Not sure if Patches O’ Houlihan was giving the pep talk to Average Joe’s or to the Texans last week. Either way, didn’t work. The Moo-Cows scored a total of nine points against Baltimore last Sunday to go along with their pedestrian 170 yards passing. Matt Schaub sure had an “elite” day, wouldn’t you say? Oh, he’s not elite? Better tell the “experts” at ESPN who consistently rank him ahead of Russell Wilson.
“I’m being told that Average Joe’s does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ‘em.”: Both the Seahawks and Texans are the walking wounded this week. The Hawks are going to have to duct tape that offensive line together with both Okung and Giacomini out this week. There was also a report that Max Unger is dealing with some kind of arm injury. It’s a good thing we’ve got a QB who knows how to scramble and is very effective when doing so. On the other sideline, Andre Johnson’s been dealing with a lower leg injury that could keep him out. One of their main corners Jonathan Joseph didn’t practice on Wednesday either with a toe injury. Could very well be a battle of attrition on Sunday.
“Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!”: The Fantasy Football darling Arian Foster has a grand total of 190 yards and one touchdown through the first three weeks. That’s gotta be helpful for a bunch of you out there. Of course the Bowing One could break one at any time. So, it’ll behoove the Seahawks defense to make sure they stuff the run and force Schaub to try and pick on the Legion of Boom. Good luck with that.
“Son, you’re about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop!”: While I wouldn’t call Gary Kubiak “son” since he’s older than I am, I’d say his usefulness is summed up well there. This guy somehow has hung around after posting a very mediocre 61-55 record. At least he got this team to the playoffs the past couple years. Of course, the only team they could beat was Cincinnati, so take that with about a tablespoon of salt. It’s yet another week where when they show the split-screen of the coaches, I’m much happier with our guy than with their guy.
“It’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.”: It’s time for the Seahawks to show their fans and the nation that they are for real. No better way to do that than to exorcise some long-time demons, namely beating a quality team on the road in an early game. Thankfully, unlike many teams of Seahawks past, I think this team has the mindset and attitude to do just that. On top of that, they’ve got a quarterback who hasn’t been below a 90 passer rating on the road in his last seven games.
“You’re going down like a sweet muffin!”: Or maybe a few slices of brisket with some burnt ends and a couple spareribs on the side. Mmmmm….barbecue.
Seahawks 24, Texans 13