As pro wrestler Ric Flair would say, “WOOOOOOOO”!!! Here we go Seahawks fans! The game we all wanted to see when we were dreaming about playoff scenarios in August has come to fruition. While I know there’s a contingent of Hawks fans that wanted to see the Panthers this week thinking it might be an easier game, deep down I think we all wanted the Niners if for no other reason than we want to be the ones to send Harbaugh home for the year. We want to be able to derisively chant ‘Niiiiiiinerrrrssss” at the river of human debris as they walk crestfallen out of our stadium. So, here’s our chance. The nervous energy is palpable in this city right now. Work productivity has dropped by approximately 89.4 percent in the Puget Sound region. Stores are running out of Rolaids as the acid chews away the stomach lining of the 12th Man (OK, not really but that’d be funny). The choice of the movie in which to preview this game was pretty easy. The 49ers and their fans perpetually live in 1985, so let’s make it official with Marty McFly and Back To The Future.
“What are you looking at, butthead?”: I’ll tell you what I’m looking at. I’m looking at a team that has turned this city on its ear. If there was ever a team that has an attitude that fits like a glove with its city, it’s this team. Seattle for decades has had a chip on its shoulder. We’re ignored by the national media. We’re made fun of for drinking coffee and having mildew as the state flower. People still wonder if we travel in covered wagons out here. This Seahawks team is no different. The list of players who feel slighted based on their draft position and/or their coverage in the media is almost endless. Together, we take on the world!!!
“So you’re my Uncle Joey. Better get used to these bars, kid.”: The San Quentin work release program known as the 49er Faithful have been in rare form this week. They got incredibly indignant about the Seahawks preventing people with California mailing addresses from buying the couple thousand tickets that were released on Monday. News flash guys, the Broncos did it this week too. NFL teams have actually been doing that for years for the playoff games. Some attention-seeking lawyer actually started a petition claiming that practice was unconstitutional. Of course he completely misrepresented what has happening by saying the Seahawks were trying to prevent California residents from going to the game. But, we can’t let the facts get in the way of a good story, can we? Then, naturally, there was the endless whining about how Seahawks fans are too loud, it creates an unfair advantage, yadda yadda yadda. What do you expect from an organization that has to blow a foghorn to let people know it’s time to go into the stadium?
“Since you’re new here, I-I’m gonna cut you a break, today. So, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?”: Although, not to be outdone, I’ve heard some pretty head-scratching things coming from what I can only assume are new Seahawks fans this week. I heard a gal on the radio Wednesday say we should bring back The Wave on Sunday to distract the Niners. Really??!! First, the stadium isn’t built like the Kingdome was where the shape was more conducive to The Wave. Second, and I know this is a little advanced, but The Wave only works when people are sitting down and then stand up. Half the stadium stands for the entire game already!! I know I said earlier this year that all are welcome upon the Seahawks bandwagon. I need to amend that. If you call a sports radio station and try to give tips on how the 12th Man should cheer, you’re out. Pack your bags, you’re moving to Wichita.
“Okay, that’s enough. Thank you, fellas. Hold it. Hold it, fellas. I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud.”: Now that’s more like it. 12th Man, you already know this, but it bears repeating. We’re going to need a performance on Sunday like we’ve yet to see. Word on the street is that Kaepernick is going to employ some no-huddle offense to combat the noise. While it’s obviously important to be loud when their at the line, it’s equally important to be deafening when they do huddle. If they can’t communicate, they can’t be effective.
“Lorraine! Lorraine, what are you doing? I swiped it from the old lady’s liquor cabinet. Yeah, well, you shouldn’t drink. Why not? Because you… You might regret it later in life.”: Along the lines of being effective, I’d like to do a Public Service Announcement. For those who are going to the game on Sunday, resist the urge to party it up on Saturday night. We are going to need you at 100 percent for Sunday. At the risk of hurting our local economy, I encourage you to stay home and have your tea with lemon & honey so that your voice will be at its peak performance level. On Sunday itself, remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a 3:30 p.m. game so maybe wait until at least 8 o’clock before starting the “marinating” process.
“Let me show you my plan for sending you home. Please excuse the crudity of this model. I didn’t have time to build it to scale or paint it.”: Niners, allow me to show you the plan on how the Hawks will send you home. As you know, there are playmakers on our defense. You would be wise not to give them an opportunity for a defensive score, lest you unleash a whole new level of chaos from the 12th Man. Alas, you have Kaepernick as your QB and the whiny Harbaugh as your coach, so you’re not that wise. Once we’ve got our lead, you will be introduced to the relentless pounding that Marshawn Lynch can administer. Sure, we know you’ll put 8+ guys in the box and dare Russell to beat you with his arm. He’ll be happy to oblige as he drops a dime into the waiting arms of Golden Tate. Personally, I’d like to see the old Nestea Plunge celebration come back as Golden trots into the end zone.
“If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious sh*t.”: And I think this team can hit 88 miles an hour. Granted, they haven’t shown it the last month or so, particularly on offense. But I think this offense is due for a breakout game. The other night I was watching a replay of the Sunday Night opener back in September. The first half obviously was a struggle as the Mariners led the Giants 5-0 going into halftime. That second half though, the offense looked almost effortless as they moved the ball at will against the Niners. I think they can do that again, particularly if Bevell is willing to throw just a few wrinkles at the Niner defense. Run some no-huddle on occasion. Get that fly sweep going like you had with Percy last week. Heck, throw on 1st Down occasionally.
“Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!”: That’s our George Halas Trophy, Niners. Get your damn hands off of it!
Seahawks 24, Niners 13