Week 1 Preview – Talladega Nights

Aug 23, 2013; Green Bay, WI, USA; Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll during the game against the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. Seattle won 17-10. Mandatory Credit: Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

At long last, the wait is over.  No more OTA’s.  No more training camps.  No more preseason games.  And Curt Menafee is back where he belongs in Los Angeles.  It’s the start of the regular season!!  Hopefully many of you are like me and basking in the glow of the fantasy performance Peyton Manning put on last night.  If not, then hopefully you aren’t going up against him this week.  But I digress.  It’s time for the Hawks to take their first step towards the Lombardi Trophy!  Every journey begins with a single step and this one starts in Charlotte.  Since it’s NASCAR country, what better perspective can we get on the game than from the one and only Ricky Bobby?

“Hey! It’s me, America!”: Hey America!  It’s me, football.  I’m baaaaack.  I’m here to fill your Sundays with joy, anguish, relief, suffering, jubilation, and misery.  Thankfully I also have tailgating and booze with me to liven up the party.

“Shut up in here I’m trying to sleep. One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth”: I can’t guarantee that was uttered on the Seahawks plane, but it seems plausible.  The NFL, in all its infinite wisdom, has given the Seahawks 5 games that start at 10am pacific time this year. They’re going to need every trick in the book to make sure they sleep well and are ready to go when their body clocks are fighting them.  As we learned from the ESPN magazine article, the Hawks have many non-traditional methods of getting people ready.  Hopefully there’s a sleep specialist in that group.

“Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.”: And he’s a Panthers fan.  Normally, I’d rip into a fan base here, but with Panthers fans it just isn’t any fun.  They’re just too genteel and accomodating.  I was there for a game a few years back and they really couldn’t have been nicer.  Some true southern hospitality, even after the Panthers won.  Of course, the place was only half full and some of them were taking a nap during the game.  Easily the quietest stadium I’ve ever been to, and I go to Safeco Field fairly often.  Seems nice like a nice soft landing spot for the opening game. 

“So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?”: Sometimes I think Pete Carroll does rub the sticks together in his brain so fast he could start a fire.  And we love him for it.  I hope I have that kind of energy when I’m his age.  Hell, I wish I had that kind of energy now and I’m 25 years younger than Pete.  We are going to need all of his neurons firing this week to come up with the defensive schemes necessary to overcome injuries and neutralize Cam Newton.

“Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.”: There’s an Adderall joke in here somewhere.  Bruce Irvin, you better hope your suspension gives us the same results as Browner’s last year.  4-0 with huge margins of victory.  When you win, nobody cares who’s not on the field.  When you lose, everyone’s looking for a scapegoat. 

“Hey shut up you little pot-licker I’ll stick you in a microwave!”: Steve Smith’s just small enough you might be able to do that.  I was watching the condensed version of the 2005 NFC championship game that the NFL Network put together the other night and it reminded me how much of a Napoleon complex Steve Smith has.  This guy won’t shut his mouth and when the Hawks shut his mouth for him, all he did was verbally abuse anyone in his path on the Panther sidelines.  Hopefully the defensive coaching staff dug out the old tape from that game because that was the textbook way to shut down Steve Smith.

“I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?”: Yes Russell, you are indeed. We saw it on full display the 2nd half of last season and we’re fully confident we’ll continue to see it this season.  Last year in Charlotte we know they hadn’t fully taken the restraints off you just yet.  But now this year the Panther faithful will get a good look at why you should have been Rookie of the Year.

“I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There’s no shame in that.”: And Ron Rivera’s little problem continues on Sunday.  I’d just like to take the time to thank owner Jerry Richardson for keeping Rivera as the guy in charge.  It’s not quite to the level of keeping Romeo Crennel or Norv Turner, but it’s nice.  When you look at the split screen of the 2 coaches and know your guy is just better, it’s a good feeling.

“I’m gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!”: I’m not sure, but I think that would draw a flag and a nice letter from the NFL offices.  Regardless, that’s exactly what the Seahawks are going to do.  They’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew (hopefully nothing stronger) and are ready to fulfill the expectations this city has for them.  Many are nervous since it’s an early game all the way across the country and there are some injury concerns.  Well, I’m not one of them.  This is a superior team that will absolutely take care of business.

Seahawks 28, Panthers 13