Three Seahawks headlines you won’t see on April Fools Day

There is plenty of real Seahawks news to go around. Here are three stories you won’t be reading about this offseason for April Fools’ Day.

I won’t keep you long, Seahawks fans. You are probably busy planning or playing pranks on your family members and/or co-workers. It is April Fools’ Day, of course. We should all have fun at the expense of others. There is nothing wrong with that. So in honor of this great holiday, here are three headlines (not really) torn from the pages of today’s greatest newspapers and magazines.

Russell Wilson retiring for family reasons

April 4th, 2019 – Following the earth-shaking retirement of New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson has also decided to call it quits. Wilson stated that for “family reasons” he would not be returning to football in 2019. Seattle general manager John Schneider said, “This is something we didn’t expect, of course, but we understand why Russell is leaving. Our attention will now turn towards the draft with hopes of taking our quarterback of the future.”

Sources told the Seattle Gazette and Reader that Wilson’s real reason for retiring does include spending time with his wife Ciara and children but not simply to be a stay at home dad. Wilson reportedly will be joining Ciara on tour as one of her backup dancers. According to sources, Wilson tired of being compared to the character Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air television show when dancing. So much so that he is retiring from football and is making it his “life’s mission” to create the new dance, “The Russell.” Wilson will truly be missed as a member of the Seahawks.

Shaquill and Shaquem starting a new ice cream food truck in Fremont

May 6th, 2019 – With little else to do in the NFL offseason besides lifting weights, two Seahawks are beginning a new venture. Shaquill and Shaquem Griffin will begin having a food truck full of ice cream every Sunday at the Fremont Sunday Market. But this won’t just be your mom and dad’s kind of ice cream. The Griffin twins created every flavor and will be making the ice-y desserts themselves.

The Griffins have said they will have 12 different flavors of ice cream. Flavors will include pistachio and caramel, kale and peanut butter and dark chocolate coconut sriracha, among others. The brothers are still trying to work out a deal to get their chocolate supplied by local chocolate maker, Theo’s.

Doug Baldwin announces he will run for President in 2020

June 14th, 2019 – Joining a lot of other candidates in a bid to become the next President of the Untied States, Seahawks receiver Doug Baldwin stated he will leave football after the 2019 season and turn his attention to running for President. Baldwin, an extremely intelligent and well-spoken individual and Stanford graduate, will run on a platform of social justice.

Baldwin had been rumored to be considering retirement due to numerous injuries over the last year. As it turns out, Baldwin was thinking of leaving the NFL but for a greater goal: To improve humanity. I for one will consider him one of my favorite candidates.

(Editor’s note: All of the three stories above are not real. Yet. But they could be. Or not. Either way, go back to your pranks on this greatest of all days: April Fools’ Day. And go Hawks!)