Top 12: Reasons the Seahawks Will Beat the San Diego Chargers

12. In solidarity with Vincent Jackson, the whole Chargers team goes out and gets drunk, leading to multiple DUIs and other alcohol-related arrests. The Seahawks easily beat the hungover Chargers.

11. It’s an old school AFC West rivalry. Nostalgia is stoked, Qwest Field will be electric, and the Seahawks break out some vintage smash mouth defense. Dan Fouts has a flashback of Jacob Green crushing him, and he ends up wetting himself in his Lazy-Boy.

10. The Chargers got smoked by the Kansas City Chiefs while playing in a downpour. Seahawks fans: start your rain dances.

9. Ryan Mathews has two fumbles and no touchdowns so far this season. Keep them coming Ryan. It’s better to give than to receive and giving the ball to the Hawks’ defense is the greatest gift of all.

8. Qwest Field remains the loudest place in the NFL and Qualcomm Stadium is the quietest. The Chargers will need earplugs and the refs will need extra flags for all the false start penalties.

7. Shawne Merriman has had his head up his ass for a couple years. Imagine how distracted he’ll be when his ex-girlfriend Tila Tequila raises the 12th Man flag before the game. Make it happen Seahawks brass!

6. Everyone was surprised when Matt Hasselbeck ran for a touchdown. Now that he’s the second coming of Randall Cunningham, the Chargers will have to game plan for the threat of the fleet-footed Hasselbeck. This will free up John Carlson. Adjust your fantasy team.

5. God has Matt Hasselbeck starting this week on his fantasy football team and he’s obviously a Justin Forsett fan.

4. Darren Sproles runs up the middle and gets tackled by 1,200 lbs. of defensive line and beaks open like a pinata.

3. Pete Carroll pops two 5-Hour Energy drinks before the game and his energetic enthusiasm is tripled. If you thought he was jazzed and pumped up before, just wait until he bursts onto the field on his gimpy knees and sacks Philip Rivers with a crushing hit that puts Rivers out for the season and garners a 4-game suspension… But the Seahawks win.

2. With Billy Volek in the game, the Chargers realize they made a tragic mistake trading Charlie Whitehurst.

1. The Chargers have a lightening bolt on their helmet, but Golden Tate is the one who’s electric. He treats the Chargers defense like they were Western Michigan and runs a punt back and catches three TDs and 200 yards.

Ryan Nickum is a contributor to 12th Man Rising. He also publishes the blogs http://thisdayinbaldhistory.com, http://douchepon.com and http://hawkstrap.blogspot.com

Topics: Billy Volek, Charlie Whitehurst, Golden Tate, Justin Forsett, Matt Hasselbeck, National Football League, Pete Carroll, Philip Rivers, Qualcomm Stadium, Qwest Field, Ryan Mathews, San Diego Chargers, Seattle Seahawks, Vincent Jackson

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  • Klatu Berata Nicto

    Thats pretty good bro! I especially like no.4. Although Sproles is a wee little guy, all of 5 foot 4. I dont think it will take 1200lbs to bust him like a pinata, maybe half of that! No.9 wont count though, as Ryan Mathews wont be playing, they got the Tolbert-monster in his stead. That guy is not to be underestimated, seriously, if you got a fantasy team…seriously. No 8 and 10 are spot on. As a San Diegan, and former Washingtonian, I have to play the middle ground on this one. But I thank you for the hearty chuckle, and have a feeling it will be an impressive game for both teams. Cant wait for kickoff! And, may I add reason #13:Seattle fans will confuse Norv Turner for Edward James Olmos, and line up in droves for an autograph, only to find it wasn’t Norv or Olmos at all…rather a decorative autumn squash with a headset on it.

  • Seahawks Tom

    Awesome top 12 list. I had a good laugh. But I have to say the belly laugh came from #13. Decorative squash indeed. Good fun guys. Biting my nails with 2:00 left in the 4th…

  • Klatu Berata Nicto

    Post game reaction: Wow what a good’un. It was close, too close for me. As a fan torn between the two I can’t help but think SD was kind of unintentionally helping the Hawks out. No special teams, countless flags, lots of rookie mistakes. It was a huge mess on the Bolts side, yet, they still looked fairly impressive at the same time (weird). Kudos to Seattle for stickin it thru to the end. I knew it would be close, but DANG! The better team won. Let it not be said that Charger fans aren’t humble! Now if it was those dang Raiders…..

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