It’s finally here. The game we’ve had circled on the calendar since the schedule came out in April. The entire nation will be watching as those degenerates from San Francisco make their yearly trek up the coast to enter their house of horrors known as CenturyLink Field. This promises to be an atmosphere that will only be rivaled by the 2005 NFC Championship game. Let’s see if we can’t get even more excited as we preview this Sunday’s contest through the genius of Anchorman.
“Hell, I need you. I’m a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh! I miss your scent. I miss your musk…”: Oh Seahawks, CenturyLink Field, and the fellow tailgaters in Hawk Alley, how I’ve missed you. Sure, I was there for the preseason game against the Broncos, but that doesn’t really count. I missed the electricity and excitement of gameday. I missed the smells of grilling being done by hundreds of fellow tailgaters. I even almost miss the pungent smell of urine as we walk up Hawk Alley towards the game. Almost.
“My God, what is that smell? That’s the smell of desire my lady. God no, it smells like, like a used diaper… filled with… Indian food.”: Speaking of smells, the river of human debris known as Niner fans will also be making their yearly visit to our fair city. Used to be they were always known as the wine and cheese crowd. They were always supportive of their team, but did it in an understated and non-threatening way. Not anymore. These lowlifes now more closely resemble Raiders fans than anything else. Gone are the days where good-natured heckling could go back and forth between Hawks fans and Niners fans. You’re lucky if you make it through a game at Candlestick without being shanked.
“I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.”: As a public service announcement, resist the urge to punch any 49er fans in the babymaker. As you’ve hopefully heard by now, Seattle Police will have undercover officers posing as Niner fans in the stands on Sunday. While in principle this isn’t a bad idea, I’m a little upset that our tax dollars are being spent buying anything related to the Niners.
“Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”: The last time these two teams met, it most definitely got out of hand fast. Russell threw for 4 touchdowns, Marshawn ran in another, and Richard Sherman gave us our first blocked field goal turned into a touchdown in 15 years. The 12th Man was in full throat that Sunday evening and I have zero doubt we’ll be at that level again this Sunday.
“Mmmmm… I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come see how good I look!”: You could be forgiven for thinking that line was uttered by Colin Kaepernick as opposed to Ron Burgundy. This preening douche spent the entire offseason doing everything he could to make people hate him. The thrift store wardrobe at the ESPY’s (and that’s an insult to thrift stores), the sunglasses in a dark theater routine, and the proud wearing of a Miami Dolphins hat all got Colin a lot of attention, which of course is what he wants. However, it’s obvious nobody’s told him not all publicity is good publicity.
“I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.”: That part was left out of Pete Carroll’s press conference when asked how he felt about his coaching counterpart this week. Douchebag Harbaugh Style was up to his old tricks again in his weekly press conference. Talking down to reporters, giving one word answers, and generally thinking he’s better than everyone else, making it par for the course.
“Hit ‘em in the uvula!”: Paging Legion of Boom. Legion of Boom, your presence is requested between the 8 and the 5 of Vernon Davis’ jersey. Boys, I know it’s risking a flag, a fine, or both to hit someone with your shoulder in their chest, but set that aside for the moment. The Niner receivers think their crap doesn’t stink after their performance against the Packers last week. I think it’s time for a reality check for those gentlemen.
“They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.”: I’d settle for 60% of the time with our running game after last week’s showing. I would not have wanted to be in the offensive linemen’s meetings this week. Tom Cable better figure out a way to get through to those guys because San Francisco’s front seven is pretty darn good too. While I certainly feel comfortable with Russell throwing the ball 40+ times, it’s always nice to have that run game to fall back on and change up the pace.
“Oh Audrey – I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes.”: There’s a very real chance I’ll utter those words this weekend. Our tailgating crew will be doing some spots for KING 5 on the Friday morning news as a kickoff to the home opener. We’ll also be doing some taping with the NBC Sunday Night Football folks at the tailgate on Sunday. So keep an eye peeled. You may see your humble correspondent gracing your television. Word of warning though, you may want to make sure you’re not in HD.
“I pooped a hammer. I pooped a Cornish game hen.”: It’s the only explanation for this..
Seahawks 31, 49ers 13