2013 Season Preview – Naked Gun

I’m sure many of you come over here to 12th Man Rising to get in-depth analysis and hard hitting reporting.  It’s a good idea since there are plenty of folks who will give you exactly that.  But I’ll be honest, I’m not one of them.  I have no idea who’s getting cut, who will start the year on the practice squad, or where the Seahawks stand with the salary cap.  Over on my former site, we tended to look at the Hawks with a more lighthearted touch and I wanted to bring that with me here to 12MR.  So, we kick off the Seahawks 2013 campaign with a season preview through the genius of Frank Drebin and “Naked Gun”.

 “I’ve finally found someone I can love – a good, clean love… without utensils.”: Looking right at you #3.  Russell Wilson has taken this town by storm and the love we have for him is good and usually clean.  I think we’re all expecting great things from Russell given how he finished last year.  The only thing I worry about is whether the offensive line can stay healthy enough to give him the time he needs to work his magic. 

“How could you do something so vicious? It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.”: Is it just me, or does anyone else think Bruno Giacomini was a building contractor at some point in his life?  He and his pals have been a bit too vicious this preseason (although last night they were much improved) and had the penalties to show for it.   Drive-killing penalties made their presence known last year and they did the same thing again this preseason.  Tom Cable’s a great coach but he’s got to get these guys to focus so they’re not shooting the team in the foot.

“Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing? It’s hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover…”: “I’m thinking Leslie Frazier, as the last attempt of a desperate man, injected Percy Harvin with some kind of acid that ate away his labrum, causing us to lose our prized offseason acquisition and causing huge angst among the Seahawk faithful.  Then apparently whatever acid that was got spread to the defensive line since they’re about as reliable as Franklin Gutierrez right now.  What is it 6 of the 7 D-lineman that were originally slated for the team may not be able to go week 1??!  The trainers and team doctors will be earning their keep the next few weeks.

“I’m telling ya, the answer’s up there in Ludwig’s office. Call it what you will. A hunch, woman’s intuition. That guy Ludwig knows a lot more than he’s telling us”: Thankfully we have John Schneider at the helm to stock the shelves with the groceries Pete needs to make dinner.  It’s so nice to have that security of knowing the people at the top have a clue what they’re doing.  If only that knowledge could somehow make its way to the corner of Edgar Martinez Drive and Dave Niehaus Way, but I digress.

“Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband’s arm. Where would you like it sent?”: Legion of Boom, I want those words to be spoken in hospitals around the country after the thumpings have been administered by you guys.  I realize in Roger Goddell’s NFFL (National Flag Football League) those opportunites may come with a hefty fine and 15 yard penalties, so feel free to save them for the important people like Larry Fitzgerald.  

“It’s fourth and fifteen and you’re looking at a full-court press.”: I’m not sure if that was a line from the movie or Dick Stockton getting confused again.  With the vastly improved team and the high expectations this year, thankfully the Fox #9 broadcasting team won’t be doing too many Hawks games.  Ron Pitts and John Lynch should never darken the door of Seahawks Stadium.  Sam Rosen and Heath Evans will have to set up shop in Tampa.  Of course, that also means we may be subject to a lot of the all-knowing, all-sensing, best coach that ever lived (just ask him) Brian Billick. 

 “All right, Stephanie, gently extend your arm. Extend your middle finger. Very good. Well done.”: And point it directly at Jim Harbaugh.  Pete Carroll finally got his first win against ol’ Jim last year and we now officially have a rivalry on our hands.  This is easily the best rivalry right now in the NFL given the strength of both teams and the complete disdain both coaches have for one another.  This year, it’s time to take it to the next level.  Pete needs to rip that Sharpie from around Jim’s neck, plunge it into his left eye, and then scream “that’s my deal!!!”.  It’s also the last year of that garbage heap they call Candlestick Park filled with the vermin they call the Faithful.  I have a dislike for the Yankees.  I’m mildly irritated by the Steelers.  I even get a little upset about the Thunder.  But the venom I have for the 49ers and their collection of human waste they call fans is unmatched. 

“It’s true what they say: Cops and women don’t mix. It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.”: It’s certainly has been true what they’ve said, Seattle and championships don’t mix.  We’ve had our hopes lifted a few times only to be left feeling hollow when all is said and done.  We’ve watched games where drinking Drano would have been more comfortable than watching the Hawks.  We’ve suffered through the years of McGwire, Gelbaugh, Stouffer, Mirer, Whitehurst, and Friesz.   We’ve been shafted more than a few times by the cruel mistresses of timing and fate (and the Super Bowl XL refs too).  We even had to put up with Tom Flores as our coach.  I say we’ve paid our dues.  I say the Seahawks time is now.  I say it’s time for the best fans in football to get the reward they so richly deserve.  I say we jump aboard the Dare To Dream Express with reckless abandon, throwing caution to the wind.  This year, no more looking back with disappointment and countless “what-if’s”.  This year, the Lombardi Trophy will finally rest in the Emerald City!!  Go Hawks!!