Week 14 Preview – Mrs. Doubtfire

The game we’ve had circled on the schedule for about six months is finally here.  Ok, the luster it had back in June isn’t quite the luster it has in December, but this is still a big game nonetheless.  A Seahawks win here and it locks up both the division and a first round bye.  Isn’t that exactly what we were looking for when the season started?  I’ve heard some play down the importance of this game saying it doesn’t matter whether we win or lose because we’ll lock everything up eventually.  Have these wizards of smart ever watched the NFL before?  Have they forgotten how seasons can turn on a dime with a loss that turns into a losing streak.  Or worse yet, how an injury or rash of injuries can prevent you from locking up everything in the first place?

Well, not this scribe.  This is a very important game in my opinion.  Not only do we lock up the division with a win but we get a chance to put at least one nail into the coffin of the Niners in their quest for a playoff spot. And who doesn’t relish the thought of Jim Harbaugh watching the playoffs from his couch? Let’s peek into the crystal ball through the lens of that San Francisco classic (he said sarcastically) Mrs. Doubtfire.

 “What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself? Yes, I did. Oh, it reeks of taste!”: That monument to sub-par construction and traffic gridlock known as Candlestick Park hosts the Seahawks for the last time on Sunday.  Forgive me, I need a moment to compose myself and remember the good times…ok that’s enough.  This piece of garbage can’t be blown up soon enough.  Preferably, it would be with a large contingent of their fan base still in it.  The one thing it does have is this new fangled invention that I think they call the escalator.  Some smart people built Seahawks Stadium many years ago.  You would have thought they would have known about this moving staircase thing.

“Ma’am, are you aware that it’s against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area? What if you’re married to one?”: Or, what if you’re taking one to the game?  The weekend furlough program at San Quentin, also known as the 49er Faithful, get their last look at the Hawks before they have to make the trek to Santa Clara where you know they don’t have the kind of money needed to pony up for the seat licenses.  Maybe that’ll mean our group makes a return trip to a Niners-Seahawks game in the future.  After years of being spit on, having stuff thrown at us, having footballs thrown at girls heads, etc., it just wasn’t worth it anymore.  But now that there’s the possibility that the true wine and cheese crowd will be back with those prices, it might be worth taking a look again.

“I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She’s got the crabs, dear, and I don’t mean Dungeness.”: Ahhh…female 49er fans.  Don’t leave anybody out, that’s my policy.  There’s an old joke that militant feminism was started to give unattractive women increased access to society.  Female Niner fans must have led that charge.  These gals are often more foul and vulgar than their male counterparts.  I’d ask them if they kiss their mother with that mouth, but usually mom’s right next to her giving you the finger.

“I hope you don’t mind me being a tad rude, but… how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?”: I think that was the exact wording of a question in a press conference with Jim Harbaugh this week when discussing Colin Kaepernick.  Talk about a sophomore slump.  Defenses have figured out his read-option game.  He’s obviously lost that clock in his head about when to get rid of the ball. Maybe he’s lost a step with the 5 pounds of added tattoo ink he got in the offseason.  In fairness, his receivers outside of Vernon Davis have been absymal.  Wait a minute…fairness shmairness, I love it!  It is so much fun watching this guy at the podium after losses.  I’d suggest even more tattoos.  They’re not that permanent are they?

“Are you OK? Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!”: Then there’s the other side of the field this Sunday and Russell Wilson.  This guy just continues to impress.  What I was most excited about on Monday night was his continuing improvement against the blitz.  Rob Ryan sent extra guys early and often and Russell burned them early and often.  Of course a lot of the credit should go to the offensive line and their blocking schemes, but I think we saw earlier in the year that Russell was giving up a little too early on some of those blitzes when he had receivers open.

“I admire that honesty, Natalie, that’s a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.”: Or becoming a head football coach.  You’ve got Jim Harbaugh unable to admit that Kaepernick isn’t what he was last year.  You’ve got Steve Sarkisian saying he didn’t interview for the USC job yet literally an hour later was announced as the new head coach at USC.  Then you’ve got Pete Carroll and the Percy Harvin situation.  When is Pete going to shoot straight with us concerning Percy?  Somehow he went from playing in the Minnesota game, having two weeks off with the bye, but then not able to play in the New Orleans game.  I know he’s not a doctor, but someone can certainly tell him things more specific than “he’s got stuff going on with his hip”.  Maybe there’s a little gamesmanship going on here making the opposition plan for Percy on the off chance he does play, but I think we’d rather just hear the truth.

“Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch.  Bully!”: Well, it won’t be scotch, but it will be some of the finest beer you’ve ever tasted if you join us at North Sound Brewing in Mount Vernon for the game.  We’re d0ing a viewing party and tailgate up there with the owners of North Sound and all proceeds are going to charity.  So pack the long underwear, gloves, hand warmers, etc., and join us.  It’ll be good practice for staying warm when we’ve got home playoff games.

“Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.”: Time to seize the opportunity before you Seahawks.  Time to go get that division title that is rightfully yours and guarantee yourselves a game at home in the playoffs against the earthquake-causing 12th Man.  Time to shut down that sad excuse for a professional stadium with an emphatic victory.  If you happened to dislodge a few of Kaepernick’s molars or Gore’s incisors, that’d be icing on the cake.

“I have two girls and a boy. Oh, a boy… I don’t “werk” with the males, ’cause I used to be one.”: Thus sums up the collection of human debris known as Niner fans.

Seahawks 27, 49ers 13