Week 16 Preview – A Christmas Story


Dec 2, 2013; Seattle, WA, USA; General aerial view of the CenturyLink Field (right) and Safeco Field before the NFL game between the New Orleans Saints and the Seattle Seahawks. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Christmas is here and Seahawks fans have plenty of reasons to feel blessed and thankful.  Our team has the best record in the league.  We’re on the doorstep of the No. 1 seed in the NFC playoffs.  We were able to spend this past Sunday daydreaming about returning to MetLife Stadium in February to compete for a certain football-shaped trophy.  Oh, and did I forget to mention we haven’t lost a home game in two years??!!  Yep, life is pretty good for the 12th Man.  However, there is still work to be done.  We do actually have to clinch that No. 1 seed and the speed bump in that road — a.k.a. the Arizona Cardinals — make their annual trek to the northwest.  Let’s take a look at the game through the eyes of Ralphie Parker and A Christmas Story.

“You filthy sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper…”: I couldn’t tell if that was Eli Manning’s press conference or what was caught on the referees microphone after Eli was squashed by Michael Bennett on Sunday.  Talk about a performance.  Sure, New York isn’t all that great this year.  But after starting 0-6, they had started to turn the corner a little bit and it had all the makings of a trap game.  Not only did the Seahawks win, but 12 very lucky folks each won $35,000 from Jet Chevrolet in Federal Way as a result of their shutout promotion.  At first I thought we’d be hearing about their going out of business sale after Earl Thomas had the fifth interception of Eli Manning, thus ensuring the shutout.  But then the story came out about the insurance policy they purchased that actually will pay the winners.  Talk about $7,000 incredibly well-invested.

“Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.”: And that would be the chance to watch my favorite team emphatically announce to the rest of the NFC that the road to the Super Bowl goes through Seattle.  While I have no delusions that the 12th Man will be in the form that we were for the San Francisco or New Orleans games, we should be able to create enough noise for Carson Palmer to have to adjust his hearing aid and force some penalties.

“Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian. Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear. Oh, yeah.”: The Seahawks quest for the No. 1 seed will again be done without the services of Percy Harvin.  Having gone through four brain surgeries last year, I know the feeling of one step forward and two steps back in your recovery.  Now, if Pete Carroll and company are just saving him for the playoffs, that’s fine.  I don’t think we’ll need him this week or next.  But this raising and lowering of fans hopes is getting just a touch old.  Speaking of fra-gee-lay, you could stamp that on Larry Fitzgerald’s forehead this week.  Did you see the hit he took on that onsides kick against Tennessee last Sunday?  Yikes.  Reports are that he’ll play, but you know he’s going to be hearing the footsteps of Kam Chancellor.

“It’s a Major Award! Shucks, I wouldn’t know that. It looks like a lamp.”: I don’t know what shape the Defensive Player of the Year award is in, but I think there’s a decent chance Richard Sherman will find out soon.  Then again, there’s a good chance Earl Thomas will be holding that award at year’s end.  It really is an embarassment of riches, the talent that the Seahawks have in their defensive secondary. There is definitely a chicken-or-the-egg scenario with this defense.  Is the secondary performing so great because the defensive line is causing mass disruption or is the defensive line getting the penetration they are because QB’s hold on to the ball longer, afraid to throw into that secondary?  Either way, it was incredibly entertaining to watch the best in the business ply their craft against the Giants last Sunday.

“Get the glue. We’re out of glue. You used up all the glue on purpose!”: Unfortunately all the glue in the world isn’t going to help the Cardinals put their season back together.  An early season loss to the Rams and a loss to the Eagles a couple weeks ago all but sealed their fate.  I do feel a bit bad for the Cards and their fans though.  You’re 9-5 and all that’s good for is 3rd place in your division and your best hope is to win out and pray that San Francisco loses this week to Atlanta for the game next week in Glendale to mean something.  Good luck with that.

“Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.”: Also known as a Niner fan.  I’m assuming by now most of you have heard about the Whiner fans who are planning on leasing a billboard outside of CenturyLink Field to remind us of their 5 Super Bowl titles, set against a backdrop of Dwight Clark making “The Catch”.  Just because you’re not as clever and cunning as Seahawks fans, doesn’t mean you have to let the whole world know.  We got the jump on you by buying a 12th Man brick for your new jean short stadium and flying the 12th Man flag over your existing craphole of a stadium.  Just wear it and move on.  We constantly hear from you that we’re insignificant, we’re johnny-come-latelys, we’re bandwagoners, etc.  If that were really the case, you wouldn’t be spending that money up here, now would you?  You don’t see us buying billboards in Phoenix or St. Louis.  We just make up 25-50% of the crowd at those stadiums when the Hawks come to town.

“We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.”: How great has it been to enjoy the ecstasy of unbridled avarice with this team?  I think this is the ultimate expression of sports.  It’s supposed to be something you enjoy with reckless abandon.  It’s supposed to be something that brings people together.  I worry that with the tremendous success thus far, Seahawks fans are taking this ever so slightly for granted.  This kind of season doesn’t come along very often.  Let’s remember to enjoy it.

“I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.”: But enough about our brethren in the south end zone.  Go Hawks!!

Seahawks 38, Cardinals 13