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Colts Hang Awful Banner, Here’s Alternative Awful Banners For All 32 NFL Teams

By Keith Myers

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The Indianapolis Colts have lost their minds. No, I’m not referring to some insane contract or coaching hire. Even that would be better than the “participation ribbon” that they’ve decided to hang after being blown out in the AFC Championship Game. Nothing says “everyone’s a winner” like celebrating an embarrassing loss.

Then again, maybe isn’t a completely terrible idea. Maybe it is brilliant. Every team should hang a banner proclaiming some “victory” from the 2014 season. Because hey, if you can’t learn to feel good about losing, you’re destined to be miserable.

Face it: This is something that needs to happen. To help the NFL teams get started, I’ve prepared possible banner ideas for all 32 teams. I’ve even proposed an improvement that the Colts should consider.

Arizona Cardinals: Won a Game with Ryan Lindley at QB

Atlanta Falcons: Finally Did Poor Enough To Fire Mike Smith

Baltimore Ravens: Zero In-Season Arrests For Domestic Violence

Buffalo Bills: Winning Record for First Time in a Decade

Carolina Panthers: Second-Worst Record for a Playoff Team in NFL History (7-8-1)

Chicago Bears: Best Record of Any NFL Team whose Stadium Looks Like An Alien Spaceship

Cincinnati Bengals: Fourth Straight Appearance in Wild Card Weekend

Cleveland Browns: Started the Season 7-4

Dallas Cowboys: Second Playoff Win In Past 19 Seasons

Denver Broncos: Didn’t Get Blown Out in the Super Bowl

Detroit Lions: We Weren’t Awful

Green Bay Packers: NFC Champions (If NFCCG Had Been Only 57 Minutes Long)

Houston Texans: Won 7 More Games Than 2013

Indianapolis Colts: Our Awful Banner was First, and it is Real

Jacksonville Jaguars: We Didn’t Move To London

Kansas City Chiefs: Didn’t Have Our Crowd Noise Record Broken

Miami Dolphins: Made Coach Philbin Look Competent

Minnesota Vikings: Undefeated when Adrian Peterson played

New England Patriots: Cheated in 17 Games Before We Got Caught

New Orleans Saints: No Bounty Scandals

New York Giants: 3-1 in Final Four Games

New York Jets: Finally Hired Real GM and Coach

Oakland Raiders: 3-3 in Last 6 Games

Philadelphia Eagles: Made Mark Sanchez Look Like a Legit QB For a Few Weeks

Pittsburgh Steelers: 11-4 Against Teams Not Named After Large Black Birds

San Diego Chargers: We Didn’t Leave For LA (Hint, Hint San Diego)

San Francisco 49ers: Over 50% Attendance After Halftime in 4 Games

Seattle Seahawks: Only Super Bowl Participant Who Wasn’t Caught Cheating In Playoffs

St. Louis Rams: We Beat Seattle! (once)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Succeeded in Plot To Secure #1 Overall Pick

Tennessee Titans: Not the Worst Team in the NFL (by NFL Draft Order)

Washington: Managed to Convince Many Zero People Our Name isn’t Racist

On second though, maybe this idea wasn’t so brilliant. Perhaps we should just forget this entire thing and just go back to just celebrating championships.

Next: The Russell Wilson Contract Distraction

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