Seattle Seahawks at Rams: The 12th Man Weather Report
By Keith Myers
The Seattle Seahawks travel to St. Louis to take on the Rams on Sunday. It’ll be an epic battle of great defenses vs. awful offensive lines. It is unlikely that everyone will survive the encounter.
The weather forecast for the game is… whatever temperature they set the air conditioning to in that god forsaken dome.
I mean seriously, what self-respecting football team still plays in a damn dome? Domes are awful monstrosities dreamed up by insane mathematicians that hate football. Dante’ said in The Inferno there was a special circle of hell for people who build domes for football games, and the damn sport hadn’t even been invented yet when he wrote that book.
I know what you’re thinking. “Seattle used to play in a dome.” You’re right, they did, and you what, this f-ing happened:
Why? Because Seattle isn’t stupid. 12s sacrificed the remains of Curt Warner’s knee to the football gods to help get the city a new stadium. And by the grace of Paul Allen, it worked.
The Rams are so pissed that they still play in a dome that they’re trying to move to LA. The same LA that has about the same amount of water as the surface of the sun and is destined to eventually become fall off the continent and become an island.
At least they’ll fill the stadium in LA though. Too bad half of the people who are only there so they can post a selfie on instagram with the caption: “I’M HERE IN A GROUP OF 60,000 WITH KIM K!” (Yes the caps are required for that nonsense. There seems to be some sort of rule about that.)
Of course the other half of those people will be unemployed “actors” who are there only to do research for some future role in a stage production of The Longest Yard that’ll appear “one night only” in a theater that is really just the rec room above a bowling ally.
What sports fans there are in LA are either so delusional that they still think Kobe is good, or they keep repeating “I’ve been a Clippers fan my whole life,” hoping that if they say it enough that someone will eventually believe them. (As if Clippers fans actually existed more than three seasons ago)
Plus it’ll only be a matter of time before the team is purchased by Buzzfeed and we’ll be inundated with article like “Take this quiz about fuzzy f-ing kittens and help choose our starting QB.” Then again, Jeff Fisher thinks Nick Foles is a starting QB, so that might be an improvement.
How the hell do you justify the name “Rams” in LA anyways? Because this smog-filled landscape is exactly what makes me think of fuzzy sheep:
Nov 25, 2013; Los Angeles, CA, USA; Aerial general view of the downtown Los Angeles skyline before the NCAA womens basketball game between the South Carolina Gamecocks and the Southern California Trojans. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
If they’re going to move, they might as well change their name. Sadly, they’ll probably choose something like Earthquakes or Aftershocks. I can already hear the awful ad campaign. Imagine Yakov Smirnoff’s voice:
“In Seattle, fans create earthquakes. Here in LA, Earthquakes create fans!”
Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. So while I’m over here retching up my lunch, here’s the damn weather for Sunday:
Sunny. 73 degrees with winds of about 5mph.