12th Man Rising
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How a football fan can survive another baseball season

By Keith Myers

Dec 13, 2015; Baltimore, MD, USA; Fans look on during the game between the Seattle Seahawks and Baltimore Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Evan Habeeb-USA TODAY Sports
Dec 13, 2015; Baltimore, MD, USA; Fans look on during the game between the Seattle Seahawks and Baltimore Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Evan Habeeb-USA TODAY Sports /
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Baseball season can be especially painful for football fans. Here are three things you can do to help pass the time until the return of our favorite sport.

Yesterday was opening day in baseball. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I remembered just how long and frustrating baseball season can be for football fans. “Is it August yet?” is a question asked repeatedly in my house.

Last year, I came up with three ways to football fans overcome the boredom. As a public service, I figured it was my duty to add to the list again this year. Here are three new ways for a football fan to survive baseball season.

Build the Ultimate Man/Woman Cave

What you need

  1. A room in your house
  2. Paint
  3. Lots of time

What it’ll cost you

  1. A second mortgage
  2. Respect from your family
  3. Human interaction

Analysis

What better way to show your love for football then to convert a room in your house into a temple for worshipping your favorite team. Don’t worry, your kids probably want to share a room anyways. Plus, their privacy is much less important than you getting an awesome room that you’ll sit in maybe 20 times per year.

  • Paint colors the clash with the rest of your house? Check
  • Electronics that are way too big for the room? Check
  • So much memorabilia that you have to tape some to ceiling? Check
  • Mini-fridge with team-licensed beer that tastes like motor oil and acid? Checkity-check

Be sure to show it off to anyone who comes and visits. Bring pictures of it with you everywhere you go so you can show it off even when people stop wanting to visit. Talk about how much better of a fan you are than everyone else because of your “shrine of awesomeness.”

Try and ignore that no one ever wants to hang out with you anymore. Games are more fun when you can sit by yourself and don’t have to be bothered with human interaction anyways. Besides, isn’t that the purpose of the cave, to avoid as much human interaction as possible?

Become Famous with Madden

What you need

  1. A copy of Madden
  2. Xbox One
  3. Broadband internet
  4. Account on Twitch
  5. Complete lack of self respect

What it’ll cost you

  1. $60 for game
  2. The ability to go out into public without being laughed at

Analysis

The game-streaming service known as Twitch has made a number of people famous for gaming skills.  Unfortunately, the Madden-market is already fairly saturated with ppl who likely took my advice last year and became a pro. If you still want to become a famous gamer, you have to go the other direction with this one.

I mean you’ll have to be bad, historically bad, worse-than the Cleveland Browns bad, like Mark Sanchez butt-fumbling bad. People love a spectacle, and that’s exactly what you’re going to have to be.

Once you’re set up and streaming live, start an online game against some online rando and go full Johnny-Manziel’s-career. Punt on a 1st down. Use field goal block instead of your base defense. Run backwards into your own end zone and then throw a deep pass without having your QB even turn back around.

As you get mercilessly crushed by 289 points, continuously claim that your opponent must be hacking. Yell “Why didn’t that work?!” repeatedly. Throw random objects at your TV. Get up and dance on the rare occasion that you get a first down.

Do all of that, while convincingly making people believe that it isn’t an act, and you’ll be an internet sensation before the Browns can draft and ruin another QB. Just don’t be surprised if people begin to point and laugh whenever you go out into public.

Become a well-known blogger

What you need

  1. Computer
  2. Internet access
  3. Knowledge of grammar (unnecessary)

What it’ll cost you

  1. Every ounce of your free time
  2. Your soul

Analysis

Do you know anything about football? Do you have no idea how to fill your free time? Can you spell? If you answered yes to at least one of those questions, then you have what it takes to me the next great sports blogger.

Getting started is easy. Just head over the FanSided writer application and fill out a form. Soon you’ll scouring the interwebz looking for topics to write about as you frantically try and get something submitted before deadline.

An added benefit to this choice is that everything published is permanent. You’ll have angry fans digging through your archives for predictions-gone-wrong years later, just to rub them in your face. That never gets old.

There you have it. Three new ways to help football fans to pass the monotony that is baseball season. Football season simply cannot arrive fast enough.

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