Earl Thomas traded by Seahawks to SpaceX (not a true story)
The Seahawks trade has been talked up for months, but the new team Earl Thomas joined is a real shock! We’ve got all the latest here! (This is all a lie)
Earl Thomas has been making a lot of news ever since the 2017 season wrapped up for the Seahawks. He sent the trade rumors into high gear himself with his infamous “Come get me” quote while visiting the Dallas Cowboys locker room back in December. Since then the rumors have never stopped. Well today, we’ve got the payoff, but not one anyone expected.
Thomas made it clear he wanted a new contract to stay in Seattle, and skipped the OTA. He then sat out the June mini-camp, just in case the Seahawks thought he was kidding. I’m pretty sure they knew he was serious. But just in case he didn’t make it clear, Thomas now says he’s done with Seattle. He even said that he’s putting his Seattle home up for sale. Although oddly enough, in the same statement, Thomas reportedly said he would only report is he got a new deal.
Now to me, it seems he was in a bit of a rush to sell his house, if he was going to report for a new deal anyway. Although I guess he could afford a new house if he got the deal he’s looking for. Apparently he decided to throw the Raiders into the mix, just… ah, who knows why? I suppose a lifelong Cowboys fan like Earl Thomas has always dreamed of playing for Oakland and soon Las Vegas. Or maybe Thomas just pulled the team out of a hat…so to speak. Or maybe Thomas never actually said any of this. That’s certainly true, too.
Seattle Seahawks
Earl Thomas didn’t have the leverage, the Seahawks did
The thing is, Thomas thought he had the leverage, but he didn’t. Would the Seahawks be better with him? Of course they would. It’s ridiculous to even hint that the team would be better off without him. But they do have other players to step up, just as they did when Kam Chancellor held out for two games back in 2015. As I said, that holdout lasted two games. And that’s the leverage Seattle had. They have replacement players. Earl Thomas doesn’t have a replacement paycheck.
And now he doesn’t need one. At least not from the Seahawks. In the shock of the century, Seahawks owner Paul Allen stepped in personally and made a deal only he could pull off. He sent Earl Thomas to Elon Musk, to be the spokesperson for his SpaceX missions. Thomas will not only be the face of SpaceX, but he’ll be the voice as well.
As Allen reputedly told Musk, “Listen, I’ve got a guy who’s more out there than anybody. Neil deGrasse Tyson? Pthhhpt! Earl can talk rings around him. He can talk the rings of Saturn if he needs to, if you want to sell your rockets.” Musk immediately signed on the bottom line.
Next: You need more Earl Thomas rumors
What the Seahawks received in return for Thomas has not been disclosed as yet. It’s expected to be in the range of a Tesla Model 3 and two passes to the Hyperloop One. Personally, I wish the Seahawks had held out for at least a number three draft pick and a six-pack of Twinkies. Hopefully you noticed the “This is all a lie” disclaimer, or realized from the title this was a parody. It makes almost as much sense as many of the articles you’ve been seeing about Thomas, I’m sure. If you invested in SpaceX solely on the basis of this article, I am truly sorry for your poor decision-making skills.